Dear [you],

One of these days, maybe I'll write letters to people I'm related to who have failed me, in one way or another. I don't want to care; where a lot of people put importance on "family" I feel like the majority of mine has failed to the point where I shouldn't even give them the space in my head or that they shouldn't warrant any feelings, even anger. But that gets hard to do.

Here's what I might write:
"Hi, I'm Cassie. I know we haven't met, because if we had you would know that we're related. And that I'm the "kid" in this situation. And you would know who my brother is, & a hint of what I've had to put up with my whole life. There aren't many pictures of me when I was little, because by the time I came along babies had lost their "new car" appeal & not many people cared enough to come to visit me. Then when we moved back, all attention was on Cory. My memories don't start until 4 or 5; most kids remember 2 or 3. I was forced to go to therapy, just like when Cory was in Big Brother/Big Sisters; I was forced to do things as a side note. "Oh we wouldn't want the other one to feel left out." P.S. Big Sisters was one of the worst experiences of my life. If I ever see Lorraine she better hope she's too old for me to punch her. But maybe they thought I needed that, since there weren't any other real role models in my life [minus mom]. I've felt nothing but indifference, which can be worse than rejection. Right now Cory is rejected, but guess what? That means he gets attention, gets discussed, gets thought of. I don't even get a thought. He's always the center of attention, even when he's not around. I could be standing in a room screaming, & all anyone would say is, "Cory has done worse." The world is lucky I'm not like a lot of people who try to get attention through acting out & causing problems.
I say, "You want to ignore me? Act like I don't exist? Fuck you." You will never be anything to me. It's the way it has to be; I don't have a choice. I didn't do anything. You did, by doing nothing."

I'm sure there's lots of other things I could say, but I always end with a feeling of indifference. Like I said I don't want this to matter. It's sad, but the feeling I have towards most of them is the same I feel towards my father. Some people may ask how, but I don't see how it can't be that way; both have screwed me over so why should I even give them the energy it takes to hold onto anger?

My brother needs his own letter. Another day perhaps.

No Order From Hitler..?

This is just an essay I did for class; naturally it is not a professional opinion, nor would I say it is entirely complete. It is what it is.

Since the end of World War II the world has been attempting to make sense of the Holocaust. Part of that mystery is finding definitively who was to blame for what occurred. The obvious choice would be Adolf Hitler, but there is a problem: there is no direct order for the slaughter of millions of Jews and other undesirables. The problem of no direct order from Hitler creates many problems for historians, including how this problem creates room questioning how the Holocaust came to be and how much involvement Hitler actually had. Still, without hard evidence, most people assign the blame for the Holocaust to Hitler, which is very significant for history.

            Some historians believe that when the origins and details of the Holocaust come into question it opens the door for the “revisionists” and deniers. However, one hot topic for historians is the question of how the Holocaust developed. “Functionists” believe that “the murder of the Jews generally was the result of development of German society, from before the Nazis’ accession to power and throughout the short and stormy history of the Nazi regime” (Bauer, 2001, p. 211). According to the functioninsts, the Holocaust could have, and would have, happened under any other political group; it was the German society that made it possible. Historian Yehuda Bauer writes, “…the Nazi regime, divided as it was into semi-autonomous and mutually antagonistic fiefs of major Nazi figures whose allegiance was to Hitler personally, developed impasses and blind political and economic alleys from which there seemed only one way out: increasing radicalization” (p. 211). This led the authorities to attack the Jews. This school of thought also believes that the murders were a local initiative; “Hitler was little more than a legitimizing factor, but did not actively intervene in these matters as long as his obsessive radical, racist antisemitism was satisfied by underlings who executed the most radical anti-Jewish measures possible” (Bauer, p. 211). This means that, while it appears to the functionalists that there is no hard evidence linking Hitler to the Final Solution, he obviously did nothing to dissuade others from creating antisemitic orders from his ideals. In fact, Heinrich Himmler, along with other Nazi officials, often referred to Hitler’s “wishes” as if they were law, even though there are no records of the details of their discussions.

            Another school of thought is called “intentionalist”. The intentionalists believe that Hitler and Himmler had everything to do with the Final Solution: “that directives came straight from Berlin center … and from a core of ideological antisemites loyal to Hitler, and developed into a well-organized campaign of mass murder” (Bauer, p. 211). That means that the Holocaust would not have occurred if the Nazis did not exist; it was their radical ideals that created the concentration and death camps. This school does not, however, answer the question of why Hitler did not want his name linked to this murderous action, which to some may seem “uncharacteristic” since Hitler always spoke of bravery. For example, after Kristallnacht Hitler was seen as being “shocked and angry” about the destruction (Niewyk, 2011, p. 24). The explanation may be very simple: Hitler was a politician and did not was to be seen promoting an action that was not received favorably by the general population.

            Despite the professional arguments surrounding the Holocaust, Hitler is still most often said to be responsible. Why is this significant? Comprehending the Holocaust is difficult enough without having a “boogie man”. It scares us to think that this could happen anywhere at any time; we need Hitler to make us feel better about humanity for allowing the Holocaust to happen. Hate is so unacceptable that it embarrasses us as a civilized society to admit antisemitism exists on that scale. Blaming Hitler is largely a coping mechanism. It also simplifies everything; no tedious task of trying to determine who else was at fault, especially the German civilians who afterward claimed to have had no knowledge. For the men and women who actually perpetrated the acts of murder, the need to have others’ blame Hitler was important for their conscience and for their future social standing. Holocaust historian Christopher R. Browning writes in “Ordinary Men: Reserve Police Battalion 101 and the Final Solution in Poland” that after the battalion’s first slaughter of innocent Jewish women and children “Major Trapp made the rounds, trying to console and reassure them, and again placing responsibility on higher authorities” (1998, p. 69).

            While there is no physical direct order from Hitler in existence, the part he played in the Final Solution was pivotal. That is not to say that others, such as SS members and indifferent German bystanders, do not share the blame. Local initiatives occurring out of the idea that it was Hitler’s wishes are impossible to ignore. Since World War II Germany, has been trying to redeem itself on the world stage, passing laws that forbid Nazi-esc racism. As long as we do not forget the atrocities that occurred during the Holocaust, there is hope for the future.

Works Cited

Bauer, Y. (2001). A History of the Holocaust. Danbury: Franklin Watts.

Browning, C. R. (1998). Ordinary Men. New York: Harper-Collins.

Niewyk, D. L. (2011). The Holocaust: Problems and Perspectives (4th ed.). Boston: Wadsworth.

Additional direction!

Even though I've changed directions of this blog once, I would like to add subject: history. This is mostly out of being bored of talking about myself; I suppose my life is just not controversial enough.

Lately I have been seriously considering changing my career paths, which is a big deal for me. Since I was 4 years old I've said that I would be a psychologist, mostly because I need to help people to be happy. But another thought has occured to me: by learning about history & finding a way to apply it to every day life I could help people, too! I've always been interested in German & Jewish history, especially Holocaust history. This semester one of my classes is a History of the Holocaust course, & I've really enjoyed being able to devote all of my "free" time to learning more. Right when I think that there's nothing more to know about it, I find something completely different in the history books; I think that's the way most people view Holocaust history. They think there is a set number of facts: 6 million died, Nazi's are evil, Hitler's dead, & the rest is just details.

So, since I don't know anyone who likes to discuss history (other than when I make my husband listen), I thought I would start writing. If anyone stops by that has opinions or advice, I'm all ears!

For whom the bell tolls...

I know I'm usually talking to myself, but at least here I know I'm talking to myself. Last week I finally told my mom about my diagnosis. It went well, although I didn't expect it would go badly. It's just an awkward to bring up randomly. What I have realized is that what is important in my head isn't the same as what appears important in life. For example, I don't often talk about being bipolar at length to anyone, but I spend a lot of time thinking about it & reading stuff on support forums. I think I still feel like I don't really fit in anywhere; I'm not normal, but I'm not THAT crazy. It's just like when someone is chubby, but not fat. They don't identify with skinny people but the fat people exclude them because they don't think the chubby people know how they feel; after all chubby people don't have diabetes or are told they will die if they don't loose 200 lbs. So here I am, on my island. No one makes a big deal out of me being bipolar, because they don't think it's "that" bad...meaning I'm not out ruining my life or someone else's. I don't necessarily want people to treat me like I'm "special" but at the same time I feel like I can't talk about it. Maybe I just feel weird because I missed taking my pills 3 days last week. Or maybe it's because I have feelings that I feel like no one thinks I should have. Like if I get sad that I only have 3 friends here that it must just be because I'm crazy. Although I don't really let myself get sad, so it comes in quick 2-minute sessions.

I have a lot of stuff to say, but really it's a lot of nothing...so I'll stop there & try to be productive. After last week this week seems like a cake walk; not as much homework & no test.

Updates...sort of

So I haven't written in a while. I don't know exactly why. I should write down when I get ideas of things to write about; I love lists. I revived them today; I made four. It's organizing for your brain. Seriously, if I could get paid to organize people's stuff I would.

Anyways, about my insanity: It's been going ok I suppose. That's depressingly as close as I can let myself be negative. I annoy myself with how much I fight to keep the thoughts positive. But honestly, it's because I don't know how seriously I should take negative thoughts. I've been focusing on school work. Lots of reading...

Also, last week I smashed my finger; it finally quit hurting 24 hours a day. The week before that the power went out for 13 hours. Sounds bad but not really. I hurt my finger looking for wood to make s'mores...tragic.

"Everyday is a great day to be alive; another day I get to live my life"

So at the end of this month I finally get back to taking classes. The best part is that it's through IU, but online. A big part of the reason I haven't taken online classes was because I couldn't be sure I could trust the schools; I'd hate to pay a lot of money for classes that are useless because they won't transfer.

I did have a lot of other things to write about, but now I've forgotten them, & I'm tired. Perhaps another time.

Never easy to be chosen...

That title has nothing to do with anything, just so you know. Or is it so I'll know? Sometimes my brain has plans of its own that I'm not privy to. A lot of the time "I" want things that I actually don't, or "I" don't want things that I think I should. More & more I get the feeling that I'm a loner, self-imposed or not. A lot of the time it's just too much work to be around most people; they don't really pay attention anyways. The people who say that I share a lot about myself are fooling themselves; they're the ones that know the least about me, even if I talk the most around them. Sometimes I talk to fill space, or to entertain myself. I wonder if anyone really understands me; doubtful, I don't know how my brain works sometimes.

On a somewhat related note, I started a new med to help with concentration &, hopefully, memory. I only have to take it when I want to so that's nice.

I realize that most of what I write is all about me, & I will not apologize. The rest of my life is all about other people so I can be self-centered, in my head, on 'paper'.

I have noticed that when I'm feeling emotional I listen to a lot of music. I cycle through everything until I find something fitting. I have also discovered that my depression can still be triggered while on the meds; awesome. But at least now there is more of a reason for it, even if it may be a bit of an emotional exaggeration. Every small detail is a victory. 

Insincerity

Ok, I have self-pitying tendencies; I know this. I'm sure I am more in tune with who I am, along with all of my insecurities, than a good majority of the public. How, you self-righteously ask(after all,  you're the one who broadcasts your self actualization moments on Facebook)? I don't lie to myself.
No matter how honest you think you are with everyone else, you're still lying. Many people can't see it, because they believe the trash they're spewing. If you don't tell yourself the truth how can you be honest with anyone else?
On a seemingly unrelated note (although it isn't), I'd rather sit in the dark by myself than have a million events proposed to me by insincere people. It makes me self-conscious & insecure, which is ridiculous since 99.9% of the time the reason for it is their self-absorption & has little to do with me.
There is so much else I want, & need, to say, but the sentences won't stay together in my head long enough to be written down. I guess the meds aren't working as great as before.

Gay Christian = Oxymoron?

The Our America episode, "Pray the Gay Away?", got me thinking more about the negativity that infects 90% of the Christian churches we (or at least I) come in contact with. An insider won't see it as clearly as a non-Christian, but if you sit in a room with someone who holds views that are different from yours & allow them to lecture you on how to live all you hear is negativity, & sometimes hate. This alone makes me reject Christianity, because I think everyone should be allowed to make their own choices without feeling like they're evil & wrong. Making people feel good about themselves is a lot more successful way of getting them to join you.
 If I feel rejected by Christian churches (although I don't try or desire to be accepted), then how must people who were raised Christian & firmly believe in it feel when they are shunned for being gay? I just can't understand using the Bible, a book that speaks of love & forgiveness, to fuel discrimination. How can they pass judgment on things they don't understand. This is all I'm going to say: the Bible versuses they use to justify their hate are ambiguous (at best) & 99% of the time bias-laden translations. I could go on all day supporting that, but this is my writing & anyone else can bite me.

Family

I must say, when I think about it I don't have much family. If you count the relatives I know that is a low number, but if you only count the ones I talk to & don't feel animosity towards, those can be counted on one hand (5, including my husband...6 if you count the baby).

I really don't know what "family" is supposed to mean. All I know is that it should would be nice for people to quit their selfish foolishness long enough to consider what they did/are doing to me & my feelings. Most of the time I just don't think about it, because it's too depressing. And not the type of depressing that's overly dramatic; it's the worse type, because it stems from purely the truth.
I am supposed to have 2 aunts, 1 uncle, &  4 cousins on one side (the other side doesn't register because of past actions). 1 aunt has never lived close, plus she's made too many people angry for them to talk to her. The other is too self-absorbed; I am too awesome & might overshadow parts of her life [oh no], therefore she would rather choose to ignore that I exist (instead I am usually seen as an extension of my mom). My mom thinks that this may also be due to to people feeling insecure & threatened because I apologetically know who I am. The uncle is an ass, to put it frankly. What else is there to say about that?  One cousin is the same age as my oldest niece, also the child of the aunt who acts like I don't exist as a separate entity. The other 3 I recently found on Facebook. I haven't seen them for over 11 years & know next to nothing about them, so we'll just have to see where it goes.

Now, for all the negativity & frustration brought about by just one side of my family there is, as always, a light shining through. My mom & I get along so well that most people feel it's unnatural. As much as I hate to admit it (mostly because it points out how well I don't get along with kids my age) she's my best friend [cue: aww]. I suppose that's something; most people feel the opposite (get along with family members but not parents).

And that's all I have to say about that...

Something's missing...

Yesterday was my birthday, & due to a history of individuals ruining MY day & having to plan everything myself, I don't particularly care for birthdays. Yesterday was only slightly different, because I had been running out of meds (over the weekend I couldn't get a refill). It was surprising how quickly my thoughts reverted to their old ways. One minute I would think, "I hate birthdays because no one thinks about me...I work really hard to make everything special for others, yet I get nothing!" then the next minute, "It's not so bad. I'll just do things for myself." It gets really tiring from being ok one minute & wanting to cry the next; an obvious reminder of why you should not stop taking meds just because you don't remember what the worst moments were like.
On the upside, a friend that I've known since 2nd grade sent me flowers in the cutest vase. My husband also made up for not making the time to get me a present earlier by buying me two charms for my bracelet & a new necklace.

During the brief time I couldn't take the right medication I also felt very motivated to write a lot, but I didn't (partly due to lack of time) because I knew where it was coming from. I always feel the most creative when I'm on the top of the curve. But me at my most creative is still not good enough most of the time. I do understand, though, how artists sometimes choose not to seek help....even if I don't agree with it, since it can lead to a world-wide tragedy.

Why now, why here?

This is a question I ask myself about blogs, but we all know the answer. For me, I spend way too much time inside my own head & sometimes it has to be let out, even if no one is really listening. For the record I don't feel like people listen to me even when I'm two feet away from them. At least 'here' I don't expect anyone to pay attention.
I also wonder why I would write about anything that is truly personal. It's because I don't really like to talk about feelings, so writing is easier & there's not that awkward silence. Mostly it's for my own benefit. If someone I know reads this & learns about something they didn't know...sorry; like I said, I don't like to talk about feelings.
A lot of things I write will probably be like this; short. So anyone with ADD will appreciate it.