Insincerity

Ok, I have self-pitying tendencies; I know this. I'm sure I am more in tune with who I am, along with all of my insecurities, than a good majority of the public. How, you self-righteously ask(after all,  you're the one who broadcasts your self actualization moments on Facebook)? I don't lie to myself.
No matter how honest you think you are with everyone else, you're still lying. Many people can't see it, because they believe the trash they're spewing. If you don't tell yourself the truth how can you be honest with anyone else?
On a seemingly unrelated note (although it isn't), I'd rather sit in the dark by myself than have a million events proposed to me by insincere people. It makes me self-conscious & insecure, which is ridiculous since 99.9% of the time the reason for it is their self-absorption & has little to do with me.
There is so much else I want, & need, to say, but the sentences won't stay together in my head long enough to be written down. I guess the meds aren't working as great as before.

Gay Christian = Oxymoron?

The Our America episode, "Pray the Gay Away?", got me thinking more about the negativity that infects 90% of the Christian churches we (or at least I) come in contact with. An insider won't see it as clearly as a non-Christian, but if you sit in a room with someone who holds views that are different from yours & allow them to lecture you on how to live all you hear is negativity, & sometimes hate. This alone makes me reject Christianity, because I think everyone should be allowed to make their own choices without feeling like they're evil & wrong. Making people feel good about themselves is a lot more successful way of getting them to join you.
 If I feel rejected by Christian churches (although I don't try or desire to be accepted), then how must people who were raised Christian & firmly believe in it feel when they are shunned for being gay? I just can't understand using the Bible, a book that speaks of love & forgiveness, to fuel discrimination. How can they pass judgment on things they don't understand. This is all I'm going to say: the Bible versuses they use to justify their hate are ambiguous (at best) & 99% of the time bias-laden translations. I could go on all day supporting that, but this is my writing & anyone else can bite me.

Family

I must say, when I think about it I don't have much family. If you count the relatives I know that is a low number, but if you only count the ones I talk to & don't feel animosity towards, those can be counted on one hand (5, including my husband...6 if you count the baby).

I really don't know what "family" is supposed to mean. All I know is that it should would be nice for people to quit their selfish foolishness long enough to consider what they did/are doing to me & my feelings. Most of the time I just don't think about it, because it's too depressing. And not the type of depressing that's overly dramatic; it's the worse type, because it stems from purely the truth.
I am supposed to have 2 aunts, 1 uncle, &  4 cousins on one side (the other side doesn't register because of past actions). 1 aunt has never lived close, plus she's made too many people angry for them to talk to her. The other is too self-absorbed; I am too awesome & might overshadow parts of her life [oh no], therefore she would rather choose to ignore that I exist (instead I am usually seen as an extension of my mom). My mom thinks that this may also be due to to people feeling insecure & threatened because I apologetically know who I am. The uncle is an ass, to put it frankly. What else is there to say about that?  One cousin is the same age as my oldest niece, also the child of the aunt who acts like I don't exist as a separate entity. The other 3 I recently found on Facebook. I haven't seen them for over 11 years & know next to nothing about them, so we'll just have to see where it goes.

Now, for all the negativity & frustration brought about by just one side of my family there is, as always, a light shining through. My mom & I get along so well that most people feel it's unnatural. As much as I hate to admit it (mostly because it points out how well I don't get along with kids my age) she's my best friend [cue: aww]. I suppose that's something; most people feel the opposite (get along with family members but not parents).

And that's all I have to say about that...

Something's missing...

Yesterday was my birthday, & due to a history of individuals ruining MY day & having to plan everything myself, I don't particularly care for birthdays. Yesterday was only slightly different, because I had been running out of meds (over the weekend I couldn't get a refill). It was surprising how quickly my thoughts reverted to their old ways. One minute I would think, "I hate birthdays because no one thinks about me...I work really hard to make everything special for others, yet I get nothing!" then the next minute, "It's not so bad. I'll just do things for myself." It gets really tiring from being ok one minute & wanting to cry the next; an obvious reminder of why you should not stop taking meds just because you don't remember what the worst moments were like.
On the upside, a friend that I've known since 2nd grade sent me flowers in the cutest vase. My husband also made up for not making the time to get me a present earlier by buying me two charms for my bracelet & a new necklace.

During the brief time I couldn't take the right medication I also felt very motivated to write a lot, but I didn't (partly due to lack of time) because I knew where it was coming from. I always feel the most creative when I'm on the top of the curve. But me at my most creative is still not good enough most of the time. I do understand, though, how artists sometimes choose not to seek help....even if I don't agree with it, since it can lead to a world-wide tragedy.